Goldstein quits, Munson takes the helm

After being swarmed with outbreaks of norovirus, influenza and ringworm, Dr. Jeffery Goldstein announced to the campus that he can no longer take what students are dealing to him, adding he was feeling a little queasy. Luckily, his successor has been groomed for years: energetic golden retriever and acclaimed medical professional Munson is taking over […]

Recently retired head coach Frank Tavani actually fired for being a flat-earther

In a Galilean development, sources have told The Lafayette that former football coach Frank Tavani was fired after a heated argument with Athletic Director Steven Spheresberg over whether the Earth was flat or not. The source said the altercation occurred when Spheresberg bought Tavani a globe in recognition of his 30 years of coaching with the college. Tavani – […]

Humanities depts make sciences pay to build wall around themselves

Divisiveness on campus reached a peak when humanities departments announced they would follow through on plans to build a 40-ft. impenetrable wall around the natural science departments. “Interdisciplinary mingling has reached its limit. Lafayette has for too long lost its liberal arts identity to Acopian pencil-pushers and Hugel beaker-chuggers,” English professor Immanuel Garcia said. Garcia had […]

Twelve injured in 25-hour battle of attrition between Cosmic Cuppers and Mojo Hillers

What began as a minor scuffle erupted into a bloody, last-person-standing, no-breaks-allowed battle to the death between Cosmic Cuppers and Mojo Hillers. With the toll still being tallied, 12 students have been sent to the hospital with major injuries. Tensions reached an all-time high on Thursday when Jane Lewis ‘20 walked into Mojo Hill with the […]