Spring break 2022 to be twelve hours long

The success of this week’s 48-hour spring break has prompted the administration to take a closer look at the true place of a “break” on college campuses.

“This week’s spring break was really efficient. We went to bed on Monday night feeling exhausted and got up Thursday morning ready to go. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and we felt ready to take on the world,” said Nowun Evor, director of student life.

This morning, therefore, the administration announced that next year’s spring break will take place on Wednesday, March 16 from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m.

“That way, we will be back in classes by St. Patrick’s Day,” confirmed Conor O’Sullivan ’22.

Gabriella Goodtime, assistant to the director of student life, showed her support for the decision.

“Breaks are like naps—they should be short and sweet, or you’ll end up more exhausted than you were before,” Goodtime said.

The counseling office also offered their support for this decision.

“Breaks are the main cause for students understanding how stressed they were before,” said Darcy Delewithet, coordinator of counseling services. “A shorter break allows students to glide numbly through the week without processing the true extent of exhaustion they have plummeted to.”

For students who are worried about potential spring break travel plans to Florida next year, never fear: the state has banned college students for all eternity anyways.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

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