Popular Easton dive bar Milo’s Place is struggling financially to operate at 25% capacity during the COVID-19 pandemic, forcing the establishment to turn away patrons at the door once the crowd reaches the 275-person limit.

“It’s been a tough year with the lockdowns,” said Tony Bonanno, Milo’s Place owner. “But despite the setbacks, we are proud to remain Easton’s premier scene for underage college drinking.”

The 135-square-foot lounge has been fitted with dangling plastic shields which are designed to both block coronavirus particles and simulate the usual physical battle to reach the bar countertop. A few bouncers have been trained to shove cotton swabs up the noses of unsuspecting students, as well as remind all the maskless patrons of their own mortality.

“All we had to do was put up a little curtain by the door and board up the windows and voila! Milo’s Place is back like it never left,” Bonnano said.

Not dissuaded by the pandemic, Lafayette students still flock to the bar for memorable experiences like drinking Busch Light out of an unwashed beer pitcher, peeing in a gum-filled urinal on the ground, and listening to the latest Drake hits that have cornered the 14 to 18-year-old-girl market.

“Where else am I supposed to go to watch that football lineman in my psychology class take fifteen jello shots?” said freshman Audrey Sax, 17, of Reading, Pa.

When Lafayette students return home for summer vacation, Milo’s Place will shift to relying heavily on the local Easton Area High School students to make up the difference in revenue. Bonanno noted that the high school students do tip better than the college kids because they are just so psyched to be spending time in a bar.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.