After the recent spike in GameStop stock and the noticeable lack of a spike in available financial aid, the Board of Trustees officially approved the motion for all members of the financial aid office to be replaced with GameStop executives.
“We were all so jealous watching the stock spike at the end of January, and we’re hopeful that under the watchful eye of the GameStop executive board that their mismanagement will attract the interest of r/wallstreetbets,” President Alison Byerly said.
The Reddit forum r/wallstreetbets is largely responsible for the uptick, with members of the community deciding to invest in failing companies to spite investors for short selling GameStop stock. Byerly expressed hope that the new mismanagement of the financial aid office will lead to more donations out of pity.
“I strongly believe that with enough dereliction, students will also contribute to the ‘Bring the Roar’ fundraiser rather than just the wealthy Republican alumni,” Byerly added.
Ben Fuller ’21 founded a new movement at Lafayette while the Board of Trustees mulled over the decision, and he believes he is heavily responsible for their ultimate choice of making the transition.
“My movement is titled ‘Gamer-Americans,’ just like African-American or Asian-American,” Fuller said. “We are an ethnic group and I hope to raise awareness of us with this initiative.”
All gamers on campus have joined his movement, with over 100 students advocating for GameStop to represent the financial aid office.
“I feel like gamers have been oppressed for a long time, it’s about time that someone stood up for Gamer-Americans,” Fuller said. “I happily attach myself to this movement.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.