Lafayette can’t decide, hires 20 presidents

After almost a year since the initial announcement, Lafayette has finally made the decision to not make a decision on who will succeed President Byerly in the upcoming Fall semester.

The board has introduced several options for replacements since Byerly announced plans to relinquish her College Hill throne.

The first proposal is one that would keep it within the family, as Byerly’s third-cousin twice removed has allegedly agreed to the hereditary passing of power after downing a few White Claws during last year’s Laf-Lehigh pre-game festivities.

Another proposal was allowing one of the Fraternity presidents to step into the position, as they have proven to handle the tribulations of this unusual semester with little to no repercussions. As per usual, however, all fraternal representatives have refused to comment for the paper.

“If it was up to me, the Milo’s Place bouncer would be our next president,” said freshman Thadeus Munch after his paper-thin fake ID was rejected from Easton’s most dilapidated bar. “Nothing gets through that guy. Except, you know, quite a few eighteen-year-old students.”

The most promising option so far seems to be a presidential board containing 20 celebrities and influencers of the student body’s choice. The cabinet would include, but is not limited to: Kanye West, Shane Dawson, Taylor Swift, Jacob Sartorius, Miley Cyrus, Bella Thorne, Oprah, 6ix9ine, Logan Paul, and Charli D’Amelio.

“The goal under this regime is to create chaos,” said Dean Jennifer Dize, who was rushing around her office putting out small fires. “And this is the group to do exactly that.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue. 

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