All remaining snow moved into Greek houses in last-ditch effort to keep them white

For the past week, all Greek Organizations at Lafayette have frantically been relocating all remaining snow into their respective houses in order to keep them as white as possible.

“The seasons are changing and so are the demographics of the fraternity,” an anonymous fraternity president shared with The Lafayette. “This is unacceptable. We are dedicated to upholding our fraternity’s traditions and we will continue to do so at any cost.”

Across campus, Greek-affiliated students and supporters are wearing shirts that read “Keep Greek White” and are gathering snow in any way possible and getting it back to their houses. Some students have even been stealing snow from each other as they race back to their homes.

“I want my sorority to be as white as possible just like it always has been, I’ll take snow from other students if that’s what it takes,” Emma Davidson ’23 said. “Both our alumni and current members expect that I don’t want to let them down. This is my first year in Greek life and I already understand the importance of White Culture in our sorority that my sisters who came before me have worked so hard to foster.”

Although some Greek members do not love the idea as it will make their houses colder, they understand the sacrifice is for the greater good. Others are overjoyed at the newest method to “keep Greek white.”

“I’m looking forward to having a massive snowbank in the common room, I am an avid skier and now I can practice my sweet moves without going outside,” Cornelius Burke ’22 said.

Some Greek members have even been sneaking snow into the Delta Delta Delta (Tri-Delta) house, despite its disbanding last semester.

“The house still has a Tri-Delta sign, we are worried that prospective students will look into the house and see a level of diversity that doesn’t exist in Greek life at Lafayette. Ultimately, we are concerned that without doing what we can to keep them as white as possible that students will begin to see the Greek community in an unrealistic light,” Brad Wells ’21 said.

It is currently unclear if the administration is in favor of this initiative. However, their silence on the matter indicates that they understand why students think it’s necessary.

“We are continuing to represent Greek life for what it is at Lafayette while also making it spring faster than we would otherwise see by moving all the snow we can find into our houses, so who wouldn’t like what we are doing?” Brady Jones ’21 said. “So really, our cause is rather noble.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

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