Student misses class: ‘My laptop got Corona’

Last Tuesday, mechanical engineering major Sharona Vyrice ‘22 missed class, saying her laptop was unusable due to COVID-19.

“Because of the remote learning difficulties, I am urging professors to be more lenient in cases like mine where the student is unable to use their computer,” she said.

She made an appeal to the school president, Libby Arts, who denied it because “digital devices cannot get coronavirus.”

“The request was ridiculous,” she said. “I’m no computer expert but they certainly cannot contract COVID-19.”

Vyrice replied, explaining that the laptop didn’t get the virus, she just spilled Corona™ beer on it, rendering it useless.

“I explained that I wasn’t claiming the laptop caught the coronavirus,” she said. “I was just drunk and broke it.”

Vyrice went on to explain that this qualified her as a student with a disability, and she thusly receive accommodations.

Arts has since approved the request and directed her to “ATTIC, or whatever they call that now.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.

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