Despite the warmer weather melting snow, the campus is still overflowing with white bullshit.

The remaining whiteness took the form of a frisbee tournament on the quad, a vendor selling pumpkin spice lattes (in March, mind you) and a guy who was overheard complaining about people on his vacation to Cancun “speaking Mexican.” Luckily, he said, he drowned them out with his AirPods.

“It only took a few hours to clear campus of the snow,” said janitor John Lewis. “But unfortunately we can’t clean up all white bullshit that easily.”

In Farinon there was a group yoga demonstration blocking some of the seats at Lower. On the left side of the lobby was an anti-vaxx demonstration. There was another small group of students asking people to sign a petition to make the dining hall food less spicy.

In Colton Chapel, dozens were seated to hear a scientology presentation by John Travolta.

“John Travolta has been instrumental in the wokeness of society,” said Vineyard Vines-wearing student Kayleigh Jones ‘25. “I’m glad we were able to bring him in.”

The college is also planning a celebration of their diversity later this month.

“I’m looking forward to celebrating my 0.04 percent Ghanian heritage,” Kaetlynn Underwood ‘26 said.

“I’m glad I can go to a college where I can hear so many different kinds of Republican opinions,” said Traiden Smith, standing in front of his Prius. “I’ll definitely be donating and, on an unrelated note, sending my kids to Lafayette when I’m older.”

By Ron Dickles ‘420 and Trash Panda 1889

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.