Dean of Land Acquisition Reese Poe Session announced recently that Lafayette’s expansion will not stop at the McCartney Street dorms. After numerous failed attempts to annex land from Cedar Crest and Moravian, the college’s bloodlust for expansion is still out of control.

“We will build more dorm halls and Lehigh will pay for them,” he said.

These proposed “Lehigh-sponsored” dorms would be located in downtown Easton, and would require kicking out dozens of homeowners.

“Yes, many people will lose their homes with little-to-no compensation,” Session said. “But these type of changes require some sacrifices.”

Several students have expressed their concerns about the focus on dorms, saying that the administration should focus on adding more staff to the Bailey’s Health Center, extending dining hall hours and improving the wi-fi.

“Yes I’m aware that students are under-appreciative of how we’re utilizing our resources,” Session responded. “However, those options wouldn’t make as much money for me personally.”

Last week, Session held a rally in downtown Easton where he chanted “Build Those Dorms!” He was showered with boos.

Lehigh president Beth Lehem said she had not been contacted by Session prior to his claims.

“We’ll pay for their dorms the day they win Lafayette-Lehigh,” Lehem said.

Despite the plan being currently illegal and Session under investigation for several crimes against Easton residents, Easton Chief of Police Major Pushover has denied that Session would be sanctioned.

“I am working with lawmakers to accommodate Lafayette College in their valiant goal of expansion,” Pushover said. “While the charges against Dean Session are reasonable, a few pending law changes may allow him to continue his hard work.”

Several Easton residents have formed a group attempting to stop Session’s plan, making their complaints as a combined statement.

“Session went to my boss and tried to get me fired so I would have to relocate,” said Easton resident of 43 years Colleen Thepolice. “He tried to get my husband fired too. He tried to frame him for insurance fraud.”

Session has denied these allegations, saying “You can’t prove this. Na na na boo boo.”

The new buildings are expected to be completed by 2025.

By Ron Dickles ‘420

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.