Let’s be real for a second. I, as many other men, feel that Mr. Incredible’s ability to carry a truck with one arm sets unrealistic expectations for the male figure. No one’s shoulders are that wide and no one’s hands are that big.

When I first saw “The Incredibles” (2004), I was just a young child. I conceived of a dream to be a hero, to carry three members of my family while running away from a villain.

Now you may be wondering what happened to that young, big-eyed, hopeful little boy?

After years of bodybuilding, consisting only of arm day, I have discovered the Mr. Incredible figure is impossible to attain. I tried to carry out his heroic acts—I’ve officially determined that the number of family members who wish to be thrown over my shoulder is zero.

When “The Incredibles 2” (2018) finally came after 14 years, I was reminded that I was never going to achieve that look and gain that strength. I’ll never even be as powerful as Jack-Jack, who is the youngest of all but proved to be the most incredible.

With the reboot of the franchise, I was inspired to chase a new dream: be as flexible as Elastigirl. After months of ballet and gymnastics classes, tearing of almost all my ligaments and tendons, another dream was crushed. I could not stretch myself to the lengths of the Incredibles matriarch.

I am here to propose that we ban these movies, for it is inherently and blatantly inconsiderate to those of us who model ourselves after animated characters. Additionally, we must re-criminalize superheroes—it’s the only way to restore order.

By The Insecure Intern ’69

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.