This week, the FBI announced Lafayette’s involvement in the massive college admissions scandal. According to the report, 11 students were offered and accepted admission to the college, with Lori Loughlin being the culprit behind the controversial scheme.
The 11 students in question just so happen to be those responsible for all things news at the college: us.
We, the editorial and design staff of The Lafayette, feel we must come clean: Aunt Becky got us into this school. We couldn’t envision a collegiate experience without being on this newspaper staff and we knew Lori Loughlin was our only way in.
“With my less-than-stellar SATs and atrocious GPA, enlisting the help of my favorite TV-aunt was my only way into Lafayette—where I could finally work unpaid for the oldest college newspaper in the great state of PA,” said an Editor-in-Chief who wished to remain anonymous.
One facet of Loughlin’s scheme involved staging the once prospective students as elite journalists and certified InDesign experts.
“She photoshopped a picture to make it look like I was an anchor on NBC Nightly News. I don’t know if it’s more confusing that she did this or that Lafayette actually believed it,” said an anonymous Managing Editor.
“Aunt Becky wrote my college essay about newspaper layout. To this day, I don’t truly know what I’m doing,” said one staff member who uses InDesign every week to do layout for the paper.
When it comes to what is next for the students and Loughlin, much is still to be determined. We as the editorial board are still planning on reporting on the campus happenings, despite being clearly unqualified to do so. We acknowledge that we are not the source of real information and we embrace this title.
The Lafayette denies that we have given sanctuary to the fugitive Loughlin in the newsroom. Don’t look in there.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.