Yet another outbreak of a vaccine-preventable illness is taking place with the spreading of mumps at Temple University in Philadelphia. Dr. Jeffrey Goldstein, Director of Health Services on campus, sent a health alert this Tuesday to caution students. Goldstein warned that if students think they are experiencing symptoms or “have been in close contact with […]
In the women’s basketball team’s first game of the Patriot League Tournament in early March, senior guard Nia Holland drove to the basket to net the game-winning layup with three seconds remaining, giving the Leopards a hard-fought road win. Months before, during the preseason, she was told she would need to retire from the sport […]
As numerous sexual assault scandals continue to unfold at various levels of power and influence across the country, the college is currently working to prevent sexual assault and to provide more resources to victims on campus. As part of this ongoing effort, the Office of Educational Equity sent out a survey on Monday to allow […]
According to Student Government’s mission statement, this acting body “allocates funds to student groups and organizations and do so in the best interest of the student body.” Their recent decision to deny the request of the Association of Black Collegians and the Hispanic Society at Lafayette to fund the purchase of kente stoles for graduating […]
President Donald Trump signed an executive order last Thursday titled Improving Free Inquiry, Transparency and Accountability at Colleges and Universities. As of now, its implication on colleges regarding its freedom of inquiry sections is unclear. President Alison Byerly said she discussed the order “very briefly” with her cabinet, and they determined that the order doesn’t […]
Quadlers discovered smuggling PediaSure to hungover students, selling for profit College hits fundraising goal for more plants in middle of street Lafayette urges students to be more sustainable, only drive Hummer® when absolutely necessary to feel like boss Dog house dogs complete training, to live as Lafayette students independently President demolishes own house to show […]
This week, the FBI announced Lafayette’s involvement in the massive college admissions scandal. According to the report, 11 students were offered and accepted admission to the college, with Lori Loughlin being the culprit behind the controversial scheme. The 11 students in question just so happen to be those responsible for all things news at the […]
In the most efficient and environmentally-friendly way possible, Lafayette nuked all of college hill on Monday to make room for a 100-story dorm and shopping center, which will be open to those in the community who own hazmat suits. The college initiated an evacuation, posting a single 8×11 inch paper on city hall’s door 20 […]
On Monday, the Almighty Father announced that judgment day had begun. Half the human population was raptured to be seated at His side within minutes. A couple hours later, the college emailed students saying classes would remain ongoing at the discretion of professors. “If you have been chosen by the Most High to live in […]
An anonymous source from inside Lafayette’s IT department revealed the college’s secret plan to punish students who procrastinate. Reportedly, the computers in Skillman have been purposefully programmed to detect how close students are to their deadlines, and when students are really pushing it, the devices shut down. The first step in this sinister plot was […]
Incoming editor-in-chief ClaireBear ’20 returned home from South America after studying abroad to find The Lafayette newsroom completely barren of all things newspaper. Excited to be reunited with her colleagues, ClaireBear walked in to find a different student organization in the middle of a board meeting. “I’m so confused,” ClaireBear said. “This is when we […]
Students are frightened by the increasing number of carefully planned and executed thefts from Lower Farinon. Over the course of the 2018-2019 academic year there has been an upsurge of thievery at Lower, puzzling hapless students about who the culprit could be. “Lower used to be my favorite place to eat, but now I fear […]
Dean of Land Acquisition Reese Poe Session announced recently that Lafayette’s expansion will not stop at the McCartney Street dorms. After numerous failed attempts to annex land from Cedar Crest and Moravian, the college’s bloodlust for expansion is still out of control. “We will build more dorm halls and Lehigh will pay for them,” he said. […]
Lower’s famous order notifier Larry had a day off on Monday, causing dozens of students to go unaware that their orders at Lower had been completed. “I sat in the lobby of Farinon waiting and waiting,” said Omi Cash ‘20. “Eventually, I must have gotten lightheaded from starvation and I woke up in the Bailey’s […]
