Walking into a crowded bathroom can elicit extreme anxiety, especially if you’re just trying to relieve your bowels in peace. Everyone deserves a judge-free, number-two welcoming environment where they can sit down, relax and let it all out. Luckily, I’m here to help. Below is a list of the top 10 places to drop your timber, in order of increasing “shittiness”:

10. The bathroom in the basement of Kirby Hall of Civil Rights

9. The bathroom in the basement of Pardee with the lights off

8. Alison Byerly’s private loo in Markle at 12:00 p.m.

7. In one of the empty houses on McCartney Street that were supposed to be demolished last semester

6. The port-a-potty at the construction site of the Rockwell Integrated Science Center

5. The second stall on the second floor of Phi Psi, at around 11:00 p.m.

4. Drop some golden nuggets off in the annual fund office

3. LaFarm: contribute your share with homemade manure!

2. The Milo’s bathroom, right after you drunkenly dropped your phone in it

1. Underneath the shade of one of the multi-million dollar Japanese Maples in front of Colton Chapel, with the soft summer breeze caressing your bare bum

By Why Does It Matter To You? ‘MYOB

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from our April Fool’s “Scoffayette” edition.