The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Women rebel against domestication, wish to “whore around”

The+moment+Betty+Promiscuous+Crocker+decided+not+to+make+her+husband+dinner%2C+demonstrating+her+desire+to+attract+many+suitors.+%28Courtesy+of+Pixabay%29.
The moment Betty “Promiscuous” Crocker decided not to make her husband dinner, demonstrating her desire to attract many suitors. (Courtesy of Pixabay).

What started with the simple desire to go to dinner with her husband one night led the once “wholesome” and “un-opinionated” Betty Crocker to being named the new town floozy.

Crocker had just finished the laundry when her husband Paul Bunion, who was deserving a warm home cooked meal after a long day at the office, arrived home from work to no smells coming from the kitchen.

The Housewives of Little American Town Rumor Mill Association claim Crocker had the audacity to ask Bunion to go out to dinner after his long day at work. Chairwoman Missy Mayweather claims an act of such disgrace to womankind has not been committed since Hester Prynne.

The only explanation could be Crocker’s desire to be treated as “one of those hussies,” Mayweather said (in the presence of her husband of course). Sources say the only explanation could be that Crocker desired to “whore around.”

Crocker, further demonstrating her desire to attract many suitors, urged other women to “demand better treatment.”

While few chose to acknowledge Crocker, the Mayor of Little Town claims this public display of independence aroused the adulterous and impure tendencies of other women and is the cause of the newly found prostitution ring corrupting the men and preventing them from being productive members of society.

The prostitution ring is said to be a cohort of women trading baked goods for genuine human connection.

There is no evidence tying Crocker to the prostitution ring, however, Mayweather and others on the association felt Crocker could be a temptation for their vulnerable husbands who “wouldn’t know any better.”

Crocker has since left Little Town and joined forces with the brazenly never-married Little Debbie. The two have decided to start their own baking business.

“We can now use the skill that kept us locked in the kitchen to gain independence,” Crocker exclaimed.

Speculation still exists around the true intention of these baked goods, and Mayweather has encouraged her husband to start an investigation into their business.

“Women have no business in ‘business.’ We don’t understand money, or how to negotiate. I once had a look in my husband’s briefcase and nearly fainted,” she said.

The Mayor of Little Town, with a thin piece of red, lace fabric hanging out of his pocket, made an official statement saying no man could be held accountable for their actions until the investigation was complete, and Crocker was excommunicated until further notice.

By Why Does It Matter to You? ‘MYOB

Editor’s note: This is a satirical piece from our April Fool’s “Scoffayette” edition.

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