Experts make their predictions about balls going in baskets

We like to consider ourselves sports neophytes. That basically means that we are experts. People come from wide and far to hear our sports predictions. Recently, we were recognized for our prophetic skill when we correctly predicted who the Fantastic Four of March Madness’s College Basketball Brackets would be. Here’s the insight from our prodigious minds!

Loyola-Chicago Ramblers

First of all, great team name. We are known for our inability to “SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!” so we found them very relatable. Also, the mascot was cute, and didn’t have a scary theme. We enjoy not having nightmares, so that was nice. Additionally, deep-dish pizza is the single greatest invention in the world, and it’s from Chicago. So that’s a plus. Our uncle said that Chicago would lose in the first round, but we hate him because he is The Worst, so we picked Chicago to win. Who’s laughing now, Uncle Billy? PAY UP. And, of course, the only basketball player we’ve ever heard of is Michael Jordan. And he did something in Chicago. Not sure what, though.

Michigan Wolverines

I mean, Hugh Jackman is supermegafoxyawesome hot AF. HE CAN SING TOO! The man’s talents are infinite. Also, we are Team Jacob, and werewolves are close enough to wolverines. It works, just trust us. We love the state of Michigan because it is shaped like a mitten, which is just glovely. Our cousin’s friend’s uncle’s mother-in-law is from Michigan, so we think we were there once or twice when we were like two years old. The best reason though, is that Michigan is home to the world’s largest cement plant. #Goals

Kansas Jayhawks

Carry On, My Wayward Son. There’s no place like home, Aunty Em! I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore. Our favorite letter is “J” so obviously I had to go for the Jayhawks. And way back in middle school, we remember the boys kept yelling things about how “Bird is the Word!” we never found out what that meant, but most things eighth grade boys say are extremely valuable. Another reason we picked this team is that when we talked with my friend about brackets, she said something about seeding? And we feel like birds eat seeds. Or eat plants that come from seeds. So that should logic out.

Villanova Wildcats

WHAT TEAM? W I L D C A T S. GETCHA HEAD IN THE GAME. ‘Nough said. ‘Nova wins. If you find yourself in need of any more reasons, first of all, you’re never gonna make it in the sports betting business, but Neil DeGrasse Tyson is my hero, so…Nova. We thought Casanova was cool too. We’ve never seen Villanova before, but if the Cubs could win the World Series, anything is possible…

By Sue Donim ’99 and Jasper Stone ‘4.6

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from our April Fool’s “Scoffayette” edition.

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