Timeout with… Amy Hewlett ‘19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The goddess herself, the wonderful, amazing, totally humble Amy “Lightning Bolt” Hewlett. Photo by Sunny Daniels ’69.

This week sports editor and journalism expert Amy Hewlett sits down with track super-duper star Amy Hewlett to talk about her superiority.

Amy Hewlett 1: How did you become the fastest person ever?

Amy Hewlett 2: As much as I’d like to attribute it to hard work, it’s really just natural-born talent. I came out of the womb sprinting (with impeccable form) and it’s been uphill ever since.

AH1: Is it true that you single-handedly run The Lafayette?

AH2: Yes. I am the news, arts and sports editor. I am also the photo editor, managing editor, design editor, copy editor, business manager, page designer and, of course, the editor-in-chief. I don’t want to hand these jobs to anybody else because I know I’ll do it better than anyone anyways.

AH1: Do you ever get criticism for using the school paper to push your own agenda?

AH2: No. Nobody ever criticizes me because I do no wrong.

AH1: You’ve recently set the record for most disclaimers in a school newspaper. Is it true that you don’t edit the content of these articles?

AH2: No comment.

AH1: What is it like to constantly deal with those who are inferior to you?

AH2: It truly is a burden. I have two phones so I can call myself everyday because conversing with anybody else is frustrating and a waste of my time. Sir Isaac Newton once said, “Genius is patience,” but Newton wasn’t a genius like I am and patience is for plebs. Despite my frustration with others, I grace this campus with my presence because I am a strong believer in charity.

AH1: Now that you’ve taken over Lafayette College, what’s next??

AH2: I’m going to Disney World… Oh and hacking into the New York Times to create a new “Amy Hewlett Appreciation” column. My fans have been mailing me nonstop and I want to provide a proper platform for them to express their love for me.

Disclaimer: Amy Hewlett did not edit the content of this article. She is the most ethical and respected journalist on this campus, and probably in the world, and would never edit an article in which her name was mentioned. How could you even suggest that? Who even are you? If you’re not Amy Hewlett, you probably don’t matter anyway.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from our April Fool’s “Scoffayette” edition.

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