This week on Animal Planet:

In the heart of Vegas, a unique journey is unfolding. This is a story that rivals that of The Notebook, and our leads replicate the chemistry of Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams to a T. This is a tale of courtship, this is a tale of excitement, and most of all, this is a tale of slow, sweet lovin’.

We first cut to the alpha male in his natural habitat. The cameras are rolling. Groans of other pursuits echo in the background.

He’s on a mission. On this night, he waits patiently for his mate. His pack has left him, and he is excited. His muscles tense up with excitement in anticipation. His mouth is dry; he hasn’t had water in hours. Look at that massive body. He’s amazed.

She prances along at a safe distance. He waits for the perfect moment to approach her. Drops of sweat slide across his eyebrow and down his bare chest as he lets out a long sigh–will she really want him?

She senses his presence and nods in his direction, walking towards him. He blissfully makes his way to her at the top speed he can muster: 1.5 milers per hour–the same speed he beat the hare with. She is ecstatic. Juliet has her eyes on her Romeo.

His heart is racing. What will she do? He is not disappointed–she embraces him and startles him with her power.

The camera angle takes a pleasant turn, revealing the underside of their shells as they join in excited thrusting, with the female taking full control of the energy between them.

These animals are rough. The female is powerful–he can tell she’s a snapping turtle–and she ends up on top. They’re moving incredibly slowly, and it shows–every second feels like it may last forever. Two hours of shell-rubbing letter, they let out a noise that can only be described as complete ecstacy.

She wipes her sweat and touches her stomach, full from her feast. She grins, licks her lips and puts her feet in his face (for some unknown reason) until she looks straight at the camera and retreats back into her shell.

If there’s one thing to learn from this escapade… slow and steady wins the race.

By Sunny Daniels ’69

Editor’s note: This is a satirical piece from our April Fool’s “Scoffayette” edition.