Trustees wield sledgehammers to demolish College Hill homes

On Wednesday morning, off-campus housing resident Chris Smalls ’18 was woken up by a thunderous boom, but what he saw when he ventured outside shocked him even more.

Smalls exited his home to find the head of the board of trustees Richard Bildmore wailing away with a sledgehammer at his front porch. Although his business suit was drenched in sweat and his face beet red, Bildmore showed no quit in his heart.

It became clear to Smalls that the board of trustees had made good on their longstanding threat to demolish the historic College Hill neighborhood, since “those goddamn townies” wouldn’t let them do it the right way.

After spray-painting “The Board” on several residential homes, Bildmore hopped into his bulldozer and directed his trustee lackeys to clear out Campus Pizza. Bildmore was on his way.

But before the trustees could make it to March St., Lafayette College Public Safety arrived on the scene. Because one of the trustees had yelled, “Scramble!” officers were not able to apprehend all the board members.

At press time, and while in hiding, Bildmore said that although College Hill is designated as a historical site, the Marquis de Lafayette was born in 1757. Bildmore then asked what College Hill residents were doing in 1757.

Written by Between the Graham Crackers ‘007

Editor’s note: This article is part of The Scoffayette, our satire April Fool’s edition.

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