After a series of egregious claims that he made publicly, recent guest speaker at Lafayette College LaVar Ball has just made perhaps the most ridiculous of them all. Yes, he did claim to be able to beat Michael Jordan in a one vs. one game, but he was somehow able to blow that one out of the water. He recently said in an interview that the “ball” got its name from him.

“Everyone knew I was the best athlete back in my day,” said Ball during his lecture in the Gendebien room. “I could beat anyone in any sport. Naturally, they wanted to honor me in more than one sport, so they changed the object from a ‘sphere’ to a ‘ball.’ No one challenged me when we were playing basketsphere, basesphere, volleysphere, you name it.”

Ball’s latest statement has gotten a lot of attention all across the sports world, and the NBA in particular.

“I simply can not believe what this man has said,” fumed Stephen A. Smith. “He was not even good at one sport. I could beat him one vs. one. LeBron’s son could beat him one vs. one. Hell, LeBron’s grandson who isn’t even born yet could beat him one vs. one. It is astronomically disrespectful for him to come forward with that kind of blasphemy!”

“What in the world?” said a confused Shaquille O’Neal. “What is this basketsphere he’s talking about? Everyone knows that basketballs are flat. I’ve shot many basketballs and I’ve never shot one at a 360º angle. They can’t be round if you ask me.”

“I remember watching LaVar when he was just six years old!” yelled Dick Vitale. “The man could do anything! He was the heebie jeebies! He’s a a PTPer! A diaper dandy! He was a total five-star stud! A bona fide ACB superstar!”

Somehow, Forbes.com estimates that these claims have earned Ball over $50,000 and counting. He has also received offers to face off in a boxing match from both Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Conor McGregor.

Written by P. Sherman ’42

Editor’s note: This article is part of The Scoffayette, our satire April Fool’s edition.