Women and unaffiliated men alike are outraged at the latest “open” party entrance fee hike which went into effect last Saturday. Many, men in particular, feel that with the rising cost of a social life they will have no choice but to stay in on the weekends.

This is the sixth recorded fee hike since 2009.

“I just don’t know that many girls,” Garret Klausner ’19 said. “I mean, yeah, I know more than four girls, but if my friends want to go out, and need four girls each, it’s nearly impossible.”

As a result, Klausner has taken proactive measures to earn a few extra girls on the weekend. According to Klausner, a sociology major, “Yeah, it sucks that I have to view my female classmates like tradable commodities in this way, but at the same time I gotta go out.”

Klausner recently downloaded a variety of dating apps including Tinder and Bumble to try to find girls willing to accompany him to parties and help him pay the newly increased fee.

“I make it really clear in my bio that I’m just looking for an escort into parties, I try to be as respectful as possible” Klausner said.

Monica DiPolli ’20 first saw Klausner’s request on Bumble and reports feeling so outraged that she smashed her phone into a competing females’ leg, taking her out of the race.

“How dare he turn an app that lets me openly objectify men into another space where I am just a number,” DiPolli said.

“It’s disgusting,” DiPolli said of the fee increase.

“Back when it was three girls per entrance it was still pretty bad, but four is just insulting,” DiPolli said, “at the end of the day it’s dehumanizing and degrading.”

According to DiPolli, her older sister, a 2014 Lafayette alumna, remembers a time when it only cost one girl to gain admittance.

“Those must have been the days,” DiPolli said.

Economics professor Moma Nee attributed the entrance fee increase to spiked inflation over the past decade.

“A commodity’s purchasing power declines when buyers place less value on each unit of the commodity,” Nee said. “It also comes from overall increase in demand for goods, and Lafayette did just add two new fraternities.”

When asked about the entrance fee hike, Dan Layden ’17, a brother of KDR and a key architect in the hike had a different explanation.

“It’s simple economics,” He said, “if our parties are crowded, we want them crowded with girls. It’s all about the ratio, man.”

Written by Dick Cheney ’00

Editor’s note: This article is part of The Scoffayette, our satire April Fool’s edition.