Lafayette’s leading donors battle for name recognition

By 50 Shades of Jay ‘69

That Guy who hangs around The Office

With the number of buildings named after either Kirby or Oechsle reaching critical mass, the Kirby family has taken action by donating a new Kirby Fountain on the quad. Oechsle countered by donating three water fountains and a shrub. The Oechsle Shrub for Environmental Education will be used to promote growth on campus.

Oechsle thought he had gotten one up on Kirby by having the tree outside South College named after him, but Kirby was able to regain lost ground by instituting a scholarship for students who will legally change their last name to Kirby.

The conflict between the benefactors has caused no small amount of confusion for students.

Speaking in front of the Oechsle Door to the Kirby Waiting Room for the Oechsle President’s office, William Kirby ‘18 said, “This whole situation has really gotten out of hand. It was fine when Kirby donated a prosthetic tail to the tailless squirrel, but after Oechsle got the day shift sushi roller and Kirby picked up the night shift…it gets hard to keep track.”

Recently, Kirby announced that he will fund the construction of a playground for the quaddlers called the “Kirby Quaddler Corral.” Not to be beaten, every third monkey bar will be named after Oechsle.

Meanwhile, determined to settle bragging rights once and for all, Acopian announced plans to purchase Sweden and donate it to the college.