A Shot of Yeager: The Genius List

Okay, we’ve all been there. It’s been a hectic week, you’ve been running around like the psychotic and demon-like Easton squirrels we’ve all come to know and love (sorry, did I say love? I mean loathe), and frankly, stress levels are up the wazoo.

I think I speak for everyone when I say: uh, what gives November? Aren’t you supposed to be the joyous and merry month that kicks off the holiday cheer? Well, so far all you’ve offered us is apocalyptic darkness and enough course work and final assignments to last until mid-2017. When I find myself in times of trouble — no, I’m not about to quote “Hey Jude” — I always find a nice sweat session in the gym does wonders to clear the mind, particularly of these anxieties as the end of the semester draws near.

Lately though, I think the endorphins have been getting to my head. It seems that in the take it takes to walk out of the gym, through the women’s locker room doors and into the heated confines of the sauna, this strange and overwhelming sense of optimism starts taking over me.

In this strange, post-workout, meta-reality state, I tend to think very promising and ambitious thoughts. Some would even venture to call them delusional. This week, as a method of self-experimentation, I’ve been keeping a record of these “genius” ideas. As I look back on them now, I realize they may not be the most viable, or even sane thoughts, but I’ll let you guys be the judges of that. This is what I’ve come up with so far:

1. Need to smile at strangers more. Be happy, spread happiness! A win-win situation all around!

2. Will begin writing my long overdue memoir in between classes and whilst waiting in line for my morning herbal tea at Skillman. The world is bound to wonder what wisdom and sage-like thoughts were running through my mind at the ripe age of 20, so better get started now.

3. I should get into Sinatra more…will do extensive research when back at room.

4. Call and/or text all loved ones; inquire about their lives, troubles, career goals and general thoughts on gluten. Are they pro or against? Discuss in depth.

5. Must catch up on all current events. Rummage through old NYT papers, scan Wall Street Journal, scroll through Al Jazeera. Familiarize self with each country and their general political, economic and pop culture status. What’s the deal with Uzbekistan lately? What are their thoughts on gluten?

6. Totally wearing that cat t-shirt from Walmart tomorrow. People will love me for my spunk and courageous fashion sense. Dress up with nice boots, a nice pair of pants and throw a cardigan in there somewhere and boom: trend-setter status awaits.

7. Totally writing that four hour long, one-man comedy sketch over winter break and submitting it to Lorne Michaels at NBC. How can he not hire me on the spot? Should start thinking about office décor at 30 Rock now. Hopefully I can swing a window view.

8. One-hundred percent getting that tattoo of Tom Hanks’ face down my torso. The parents would come around to it eventually and then commend me on my artistic expression. Start getting a plan in the work.

As you can see, I think a further form of endorphin study is in order. Either that, or I should be heavily medicated when stepping anywhere near a gym. Either way, I’m happy to be of entertainment. Until next elliptical session. Yeager out.

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