Love letters from Ana: To the Crushers

The word “crush” doesn’t change in definition from the third grade to your freshman year of college. In other words, crushes make you feel the exact way as they did in elementary school: inarticulate, weak at the knees, and prepubescently awkward.

Yes, one would like to think that college crushes are a reflection of our matured selves and types, but in most cases, this isn’t true. The varying degrees of crushes one can have are extensive. I’m choosing to focus on the two polar sides of the spectrum.

There is what I like to call the “Upper” crush. You know, that guy you always see in the dining hall loading up his plate with carbs right before he ignores you for his teammates. He’s the eye-candy pick-me-up to your otherwise uneventful day; the guy who usually prompts you to update your girlfriends, “O-M-G guess who I just saw on the line for wok-tossed noodles?”

And then there is the deep crush. The real thing. The guy you someday secretly hope to marry and have father your children even though you just saw his hairy belly button doing a keg stand. Yeah, that guy.

This is a guy that you probably know pretty well and have an inkling if he finds out that you like him, it will ruin everything. You create this formula in your head that goes a little something like this: him finding out = our whole Gov/Law class finding out = all our friends finding out = counseling services finding out = desperate-looking me.

I’d like to turn it around. Do you know how many girls your crush has turned his head for? Realistically speaking, guys have so many minor crushes it is mind boggling for an on-looking female. And girls usually take passes made at them (including some catcalls) as compliments. Guess what? So do guys.

Unless you frequently press your face in the windows of Skillman’s while your crush is studying in plain sight, he won’t find you desperate or creepy. He’ll most likely find your efforts rather sweet.

Just please, don’t incisively stalk your crush.

I think the worst-case scenario involving a crush is if you’re dealing with an older guy or someone who believes himself to be significantly out of your league. If this guy knows you like him and he feels nothing back. You’ll start getting this vibe that he’s pitying you. This is probably the suckiest feeling in the world. You feel like your crush sees you as one of those large-eyed shivering dogs in ASPCA commericials.

Coming around more often and being friendly may create the “mermaid effect,” or as How I Met Your Mother describes it when a guy has been hanging out with or in the presence of a girl for long enough that she ends up becoming sexually desirable.

I’m certainly not calling the “mermaid effect” a fool-proof method. It may merely be an urban legend. A ray of hope for crushers everywhere. But if you drop a large enough hint (without dropping it like it’s hot) then you might be able to stagger signals to him about how great you are.

The thing to note is that men are typically oblivious to said signs. Think of how pessimistic we girls can be even if we have unequivocal evidence of a guy being interested in us. Guys usually let the penis do the picking because that is default setting. It is our objective then to show them enough of our fabulous selves that we not only get in their heads, but their hearts as well.

And so my dear crushers, the act of crushing can be agonizing. It can feel like a lost cause. Sometimes it ends up being a lost cause. But do not hide behind the fear of rejection. Doing this shows no one how amazing you are. Be yourself. Be direct, but also as mysterious as the elusive mermaid. Remember, the best way to reverse the pain your crush may be inflicting on you is making him realize all that he’s missing.

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