The Russian Olympic hockey team is dead. No. That’s a lie. Some of the players escaped the firing squad, but were later captured and sent expressly to the Gulag after a defeat to the U.S. this past weekend.

It was an exciting end to riveting game. A better outcome couldn’t have been asked for,, that is except by Putin and the entire population of Russia. He compared the feeling of losing to what it must feel like to go through an actual fair election. The game ended with a shootout in overtime. T.J. Oshie of the U.S. team was on fire, making the three shots in a row to end it all. Fans were ready to blow the top of the Bolshoy Ice Dome and Putin was ready to blow the heads off the entire roster. This team was his pride and joy and they failed in sweeping the contest.

They didn’t have time to take off the pads before being black bagged and escorted to back of the equipment shed for a mandatory team meeting. Putin personally took the first shot at the team with his own version of constructive criticism, leaving holes in his defense. Russian secret service reported that he spouted random Cold War remarks the entire time. The smart players that tried to make a run for it soon found out it was a pretty stupid decision. Getting shot in the face beats corkscrews to the fingernails every time.

On the brighter side of things, the coaches were only waterboarded in order to be used in the Olympics 2018. As it turns out, replacing coaches for an Olympic team is much more expensive than replacing the team itself.

Still don’t believe it’s a new team? Would the real team lose to Finland? I think not!